I've been curled up in the arms of the
Lord for the past five months, bruised and broken. He has held me
close to His heart, attending my deep wounds. I've seen His tears for
my pain roll down His cheek into my cup - and it overflows. Literally
every time I would close my eyes, I would see Him rocking me like a
small child. This is the love of the Lord for his children. Even in
the hopeless nights, the lifeless days, the hours of ambiguity - He is
with us. I get to dwell in the house of the Lord forever! I get to
dwell in the arms of the Lord forever! And so do you, O child of God.
Breakups are never fun, but the Lord
was slowly restoring my soul. Psalm 23 was at the forefront of my
prayers, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your
staff, they comfort me." The valleys kinda suck. We walk through
valleys though- we don't take up permanent residency there. The
point is to get to somewhere better. And that is what He did - He led
me with His sovereign rod and staff through the dark valley to the
heart of India. To the heart of my husband.
I can't say when I first saw Sam that
my thoughts were a loud, bold, "Interested!"...It was more of
a soft, quiet curiosity. His mannerisms were a lot like mine - he was
unconventional - and kept books laying out in the main lounge that
always looked interesting to me. I was fascinated by the titles of
them The God of the Mundane and The Life of God in the Soul of Man. I wanted to pick them up, but I
was too shy for any interaction with him that this may cause, so I
would just wonder from a distance. I also liked the way he would play
with the kids; they seemed to really enjoy his presence, and around
them he was always smiling and laughing and comfortable. The
orphanage was definitely his element.
When Monika first came to me with the
idea of Sam, I instinctively and unhesitatingly said, "No." I was a hot
mess, and a long-distance relationship, no matter how godly and
attractive this guy was, seemed really unappealing. As we sat on top
of a mountain that night though, she softly spoke, "It's not
about what we want; it's about what God wants." Those words
pierced me. They made me loosen my tight grip and let go of my
self-protective tendencies. It made me think of a Dan Allender book I
recently read where he writes, "We try to love from a distance,
because maintaining distance from our pain is more important to us
then reaching true closeness to God and others." I wanted
distance. I didn't want to be hurt again, but I got back on the bus
that night not in anticipation but in emancipation. I released my
wants, desires, and timing over to the Lord to let Him have His
way...and He did.
As soon as I got on the bus, there were
two seats left - one in the front (but I knew that was reserved for
Monika) and one next to Sam. I desperately wanted to go run and
hide, but I slowly made my way to the back and sunk into the chair.
"Hi" I said. "Did you like the mountain?" "The
what?" He said. "The mountain" I replied back. After
trying to say "mountain" three times, I finally gave up and
figured there was no hope for the two of us. I sheepishly looked
away.
It was like trying to serve a tennis
ball over the net and it never making it. His serve was up though.
"How did you come to know the Lord?" "Really?" I
thought. But I told him bits and pieces, and as he shared his story
with me, I really warmed up to him. I liked Sam - he was honest and
raw. I was actually surprised when he told me he had been the
community pastor at his church-not because I thought he was
incapable - but because he was so down-to-earth and quirky. I loved
that. He walked by the Shephard’s leading but to the tune of his own
beat. He was different. I liked different.
The day before we left for Paderu
village, my friend Mallory and I were sitting in our room. As I
was reading my Bible and praying about Sam, I heard the Lord say in a
small voice, "He is your husband." I was overjoyed! I sat up
and excitedly announced to Mallory what I had heard God say. "I just
wanna go out there (to the main lounge) point at him and say-YOU ARE
MY HUSBAND!" Mallory just laughed and said I would freak him
out. I knew she was probably right, so I just allowed God's timing to
play out. One of our last days in India, we travelled to a village to
do baptisms and the whole way there Sam kept saying how excited he
was to baptize people. He said it was one of his favorite parts about
being a pastor. The guy wasn't lying. The whole time he was dunking
people, the smile on his face was a mile wide. I was the designated
photographer, so most of what I saw was through the lens - I would just
zoom in on his expressions because I didn't want to forget them. I
remember thinking, "If I could call shot-gun and watch this guy
do this the rest of my life, I would be so happy." As I write this,
I'm praising God that this IS what I get the privilege of being a
part of the rest of my life. My husband - flesh of my flesh- bringing
people up from the grave. And little me, getting to stand on the
sidelines rooting God on and rejoicing over His victory! Wow.
There is so much more I could write,
but my words are not eloquent; at least not like my fiancé's. But God
brought us together. He did it. And if you read Sam's blog, you will
see that God spoke to him too in profound ways. I told Monika on our
last day in the village that I was scared because, "God was more
in this than I was." This unexpected sentence that came out of
my mouth is what has anchored me through these almost two months. God
is more in this than either of us are. He is arranging our
marriage - and this is way better than any relationship that I could
have tried to manipulate or contour to make be the right one. The
more I get to know Sam, the more I fall in love with him. The more I
know God, the more I trust Him. I trust Him with this marriage,
knowing full well that He doesn't "hold back any good thing from
me." God has given me such a good thing. Sam is my wingman, my
leader, my love, my co-visionary. Our hearts long to glorify and
serve our Lord, and that is downright beautiful. If you are not
married yet, let me tell you - your husband/wife is so worth the
(sometimes agonizing) wait. Wait upon the Lord and let His perfect
timing come when He is ready to present your spouse to you.
I love you, Sam, I'm excited to fight
for righteousness with you, to love God's people with you, and to see
you become more and more like Christ during this "momentary
marriage." I will meet you at the other end of the aisle, but
God will meet you at the other end of this lifetime. Cheers to the
hope and anticipation of our coming Groom! Cheers to the hope and
anticipation of being your spotless, pure bride through the blood of
Jesus Christ!
