As I write this, I'm humming "Farther Along" by Josh Garrels.. it's been stuck in my head for the past few days, especially the verse "Even when I fall I get back up with the joy that overflows my cup". I've had to repeat this over and over to myself, almost as a reminder that failure is not final. If Jesus is living in you, failure can never be final. (deep sigh... just need to keep telling myself that).
It's nearing the end of October and I know Lynchburg is turning into Drenchburg (am I right LU?) The worst part about living on East campus during rainy season was trucking through the tunnel, up the hill, hauling my backpack up four flights of stairs... all to find that I left my key in my room, and no one was home to open the door. The RA's were at class. My friends were in Demoss. It was just me and my sopping wet hoody waiting for someone with a key.
Sometimes in our walk with God, He won't bring the key for a while. It's purposeful. We can be waiting hours on the steps before He lets us in. Lately I've been thinking "God, why are you allowing this to happen? Just bring the key already, I'm cold and alone standing out here. Don't you care?" Or another thought that's been going through my head has been "Geez, God, I forgot the key again? Why do I always mess up? Why am I so careless?" It's our fleshly tendency to want to rebel against the Lord when we don't understand what He is doing, or just get mad at ourselves when we fall once again. What I'm learning though, is that discipline is a blessing in disguise. Pain is a blessing in disguise. If we don't see the blessings of pain and discipline we won't handle it properly... and it could be really dangerous. Paul says "Rejoice in suffering"-when someone wrongs us or when God disciplines us. The attitude of living by the Spirit will be a heart of joy when we are hurting-living by the flesh will only harbor bitterness and resentment. God's ways are not our ways and if our sincere prayer is to walk in His ways, we need to understand it will look like complete foolishness to the outside world. When we're on the door step knocking our knuckles off, looking for the fire escape or a nearby window in a rage of anger, remember that the door is most likely locked for a reason. Stop looking for another way in and ask God for understanding in the situation.
You may also want to leave and just wait at a friend's house until the door opens. I've been learning this past week that waiting too long for man may be too short for God. We try to speed up the process, right? Like.. hello, God? Things look like they won't get any better so we decide to "help God out". We've all been there. But the thing is, God doesn't need our help. We need God's help. And unless we allow God to treat us like children, we won't become more like Him. He's patiently peeking through the blinds, waiting for us to humble ourselves. It's the flesh to think failure is a bad thing, sometimes it's the best thing. And when you're going through hard times, go to God, not your friends. Their just fallen sinners like the rest of us. God is so worthy of your trust. That's a huge lesson I've been learning. 2 Samuel 24:14 says "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men". He knows what we need exactly when we need it, and He's the only one who will leave you fully satisfied.
And God is a promise-fulfilling God. He tells Abram in Genesis 15 "Do not be afraid, Abram, I am your shield, your very great reward". He doesn't say I am your shield AND your very great reward. The Lord is shielding us-the Lord is protecting us-the Lord is guiding us.. and that IS our very great reward! God is a giver not a taker. He doesn't want to steal your life, He wants to give it to you. He is merciful and beautiful and loving and wants the absolute best for His children. So don't try to pry open the door if it is bolted shut. Allow God to deal with you, the way He knows you will learn best, He could very well be shielding you from your own demise. Don't grow bitter towards Him not answering your knock right away. There is a purpose, there always is a purpose. Grow to have a grateful heart and thank him for the promises He will fulfill in your life when He is ready to give you the key.
Please keep praying for me. I've never felt such warfare as I've been feeling lately. I was sick for about a week with really bad stomach problems that left me weak and bedridden for a few days, all during finals week of my classes. I've also been placed in a leadership position, taking care of my ministry friends from Germany, Singapore, Canada and USA (The Lord knows, and many of you that I am NOT a natural born leader). It's really difficult for me taking care of the needs of seven people, finishing my degree, doing administration work for the ministry and coming up with creative ideas to teach my third graders multiplication during study hour. I've felt really defeated lately.. like a failure when I mess up.. and helpless when I walk away from study hour thinking my kids still don't understand math. It's a huge lie, but it's very difficult nonetheless. The Lord is doing big things here though, and I wouldn't trade all the hardships for the world. I think about the comfort of being in my warm bed in the US at times, waking up to a real shower and Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning. I think about what the fall looks like and smells like and the excitement of Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner. But all of that will fade away, it won't last. The work the Lord has given me to do in India is eternal and I need to write it on my heart every day to remind myself of why I am here. I join with Paul in saying "We are not known, but we are well known. We seem to be dying, but we continue to live. We are punished, but we are not killed. We have much sadness, but we are always rejoicing. We are poor, but we are making many people rich in faith. We have nothing, but really we have everything."2 Corinthians 6:9-10 .
A little look at India (my friend Mirjam Klinge took most of the photo's you'll see in the video)
