A Sense of Urgency

Sam and I started marriage with a study on Hell (way to start a marriage, eh?) It was morbid. Disturbing. Real....very real.

 Luke 16 shares a little glimpse of what hell will be like for those who do not put their trust in God. "The rich man shouted, 'Father Abraham, have some pity! Send Lazarus over here to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue. I am in anguish in these flames.’'

Some people picture hell as horns, massive orgies and eternal games of beer pong. But this is a lie. Hell will be an eternal fire where people will be begging for even a drop of water because flames will consume them night and day. They will be alone in agony for eternity.

If you know me, and have trusted my sincerity in the past or present, please continue reading.  I love you with these words.

We have no idea what tomorrow holds. We can’t know tomorrow- but we can know eternity. There is a real Judge at the end of this lifetime and He will judge each one of us. Those who will be saved will be rescued because of their faith in Jesus Christ, not because of their good deeds. They are bought by the blood of Jesus- not by their charities or genuineness or title as “reverend” “pastor” or “nun”.  Jesus is our only hope. Jesus is our great Rescuer. No one else. No other god. Just Jesus.

We all need a Savior. We have all lied, cheated, murdered, and hated. We have all broken at least one of God’s laws, and for that we deserve eternal damnation. These are the wages for our sins, but Jesus has a precious gift that He bought for us when He died on the cross. Eternity with the Love we were made for! The Love we were designed for! Eternal marriage with our forever Husband, Jesus Christ. Are you thirsty? Come to Him! Are you hungry? He will invite you in with His feast! Do you feel alone? He will embrace you because He knows you by name!

There has been a sense of urgency to write you this truth. Some of you will despise this message. Some of you will complacently exit out this screen. But some of you know, or one day know this same sense of urgency. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. And I love you. The world is spitting lies at you and you believe them because they sound better to your ears. You have a soul, man! And it’s going one of two places after this. Sell yourself out for Christ, He will never fail you. He will never leave you. He will always love you. You need Him.  Eternity is at stake. 

I'm Getting Married!!!!

I've been curled up in the arms of the Lord for the past five months, bruised and broken. He has held me close to His heart, attending my deep wounds. I've seen His tears for my pain roll down His cheek into my cup - and it overflows. Literally every time I would close my eyes, I would see Him rocking me like a small child. This is the love of the Lord for his children. Even in the hopeless nights, the lifeless days, the hours of ambiguity - He is with us. I get to dwell in the house of the Lord forever! I get to dwell in the arms of the Lord forever! And so do you, O child of God.

Breakups are never fun, but the Lord was slowly restoring my soul. Psalm 23 was at the forefront of my prayers, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." The valleys kinda suck. We walk through valleys though- we don't take up permanent residency there. The point is to get to somewhere better. And that is what He did - He led me with His sovereign rod and staff through the dark valley to the heart of India. To the heart of my husband.

I can't say when I first saw Sam that my thoughts were a loud, bold, "Interested!"...It was more of a soft, quiet curiosity. His mannerisms were a lot like mine - he was unconventional - and kept books laying out in the main lounge that always looked interesting to me. I was fascinated by the titles of them The God of the Mundane and The Life of God in the Soul of Man. I wanted to pick them up, but I was too shy for any interaction with him that this may cause, so I would just wonder from a distance. I also liked the way he would play with the kids; they seemed to really enjoy his presence, and around them he was always smiling and laughing and comfortable. The orphanage was definitely his element.

When Monika first came to me with the idea of Sam, I instinctively and unhesitatingly said, "No." I was a hot mess, and a long-distance relationship, no matter how godly and attractive this guy was, seemed really unappealing. As we sat on top of a mountain that night though, she softly spoke, "It's not about what we want; it's about what God wants."  Those words pierced me. They made me loosen my tight grip and let go of my self-protective tendencies. It made me think of a Dan Allender book I recently read where he writes, "We try to love from a distance, because maintaining distance from our pain is more important to us then reaching true closeness to God and others."  I wanted distance. I didn't want to be hurt again, but I got back on the bus that night not in anticipation but in emancipation. I released my wants, desires, and timing over to the Lord to let Him have His way...and He did.

As soon as I got on the bus, there were two seats left - one in the front (but I knew that was reserved for Monika) and one next to Sam. I desperately wanted to go run and hide, but I slowly made my way to the back and sunk into the chair. "Hi" I said. "Did you like the mountain?" "The what?" He said. "The mountain" I replied back. After trying to say "mountain" three times, I finally gave up and figured there was no hope for the two of us. I sheepishly looked away.

It was like trying to serve a tennis ball over the net and it never making it. His serve was up though. "How did you come to know the Lord?" "Really?" I thought. But I told him bits and pieces, and as he shared his story with me, I really warmed up to him. I liked Sam - he was honest and raw. I was actually surprised when he told me he had been the community pastor at his church-not because I thought he was incapable - but because he was so down-to-earth and quirky. I loved that. He walked by the Shephard’s leading but to the tune of his own beat. He was different. I liked different.

The day before we left for Paderu village, my friend Mallory and I were sitting in our room.  As I was reading my Bible and praying about Sam, I heard the Lord say in a small voice, "He is your husband." I was overjoyed! I sat up and excitedly announced to Mallory what I had heard God say. "I just wanna go out there (to the main lounge) point at him and say-YOU ARE MY HUSBAND!" Mallory just laughed and said I would freak him out. I knew she was probably right, so I just allowed God's timing to play out. One of our last days in India, we travelled to a village to do baptisms and the whole way there Sam kept saying how excited he was to baptize people. He said it was one of his favorite parts about being a pastor. The guy wasn't lying. The whole time he was dunking people, the smile on his face was a mile wide. I was the designated photographer, so most of what I saw was through the lens - I would just zoom in on his expressions because I didn't want to forget them. I remember thinking, "If I could call shot-gun and watch this guy do this the rest of my life, I would be so happy." As I write this, I'm praising God that this IS what I get the privilege of being a part of the rest of my life. My husband - flesh of my flesh- bringing people up from the grave.  And little me, getting to stand on the sidelines rooting God on and rejoicing over His victory! Wow.

There is so much more I could write, but my words are not eloquent; at least not like my fiancé's. But God brought us together. He did it. And if you read Sam's blog, you will see that God spoke to him too in profound ways. I told Monika on our last day in the village that I was scared because, "God was more in this than I was." This unexpected sentence that came out of my mouth is what has anchored me through these almost two months. God is more in this than either of us are. He is arranging our marriage - and this is way better than any relationship that I could have tried to manipulate or contour to make be the right one. The more I get to know Sam, the more I fall in love with him. The more I know God, the more I trust Him. I trust Him with this marriage, knowing full well that He doesn't "hold back any good thing from me." God has given me such a good thing. Sam is my wingman, my leader, my love, my co-visionary. Our hearts long to glorify and serve our Lord, and that is downright beautiful. If you are not married yet, let me tell you - your husband/wife is so worth the (sometimes agonizing) wait. Wait upon the Lord and let His perfect timing come when He is ready to present your spouse to you.

I love you, Sam, I'm excited to fight for righteousness with you, to love God's people with you, and to see you become more and more like Christ during this "momentary marriage." I will meet you at the other end of the aisle, but God will meet you at the other end of this lifetime. Cheers to the hope and anticipation of our coming Groom! Cheers to the hope and anticipation of being your spotless, pure bride through the blood of Jesus Christ!  

What's the Hurry?

I've been on the go since September and as I write this I wonder when and if I'll ever slow down. I feel like those new alarm clocks that roll off the nightstand when they go off. I'm rolling away from the one person who will turn off my anxiousness and give me rest. Why am I running away from the peace of God? Why am I in such a hurry all the time?

..I'm a kitchen timer impatiently waiting for the cake to be finished without marveling over the beauty of watching it cook. In my eyes I think I'm the dog wagging it's tail waiting for the Master to throw the bone.... when in reality I'm just a dog without a leash. I'm an unbridled sinner running around, thinking I know what I should do next. Thank God I have an Owner who has everything under control and doesn't even need to get off His throne to tame my wild heart. His loving voice calls me back...and I lay at His feet and wait.

There is no need to hurry. My head has known this for a while, but God is just now teaching my heart. If you know me at all, you know my life can be summed up in one word: spontaneous. I like to get up and go. I thrive on newness. I love change. I love adventure. I get this overwhelming urge to act spontaneously and I have to do it or else I think I'm going to die. hah.

But Isaiah 28:6 says "He who believes shall not be in haste". The Lord is never in haste..and I've been learning this quality should mark His people as well. Jan Johnson says " The thief's voice, unlike God's voice, threatens and intimidates on the basis of fear: if you don't do this, you'll be sorry. It may order you or try to force you to do things. It is often urgent and pressing, sermonizing and demeaning: Do this now! If you wait, all will be lost!"

So many times I think if I don't do something now, I'll never get to do it again. But love is patient,and if the Lord wills something to happen, you better believe it will come to pass.

I lived on the fourth floor of the ministry and it seemed like every time I was in a rush, one of the little girls, Joshna, would stop me on the way down the stairs and say "one second sista, one second!" She would make me bend down to her level, cup her hands together and whisper in my ear "I love you". And you know what, God does the same thing. We run around like the story is about us, when all He wants from us is to be still long enough for Him to whisper in our ear His adoration for us. It's a terrible thing to run around with your head down, feeling hurried to make a decision that isn't even rooted in confidence- when all along there was Someone with a greater perspective waiting for you to bend down so He could cup His hands together and whisper "I lead your life.. I don't push you... wait for me". We rush around because we think the story is about gaining money and success and security... but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships. And in particular, our relationship with Christ. We were designed to live through something, not to attain something, so what's the hurry?

Break Every Chain.

Hey USA! Christmas is around the corner! I actually broke out the christmas music this morning. I was inspired by Taylor's "Elf-Yourself" video of our family. Tay, your hips don't lie.. your hips don't liee. So, I'm sorry that I haven't emailed some of you back. An overwhelming amount of my friends are struggling with different symptoms but the same sickness, so I thought I'd talk about it in my blog because it's something that I was dealing with too and I'm certain I will again because our walk with God has high mountains and low valleys. But for real guys... Who cut in front of you? You were fighting such a good fight? Why are you putting out the Spirit's fire(1 Thessalonians 5:19)?

Sometimes things can sound really enticing at the time but then it turns out to be an illusion and your stuck with the consequences. My freshman year of college a few friends and I went to a diner called John's Plain and Fancy almost every saturday night of spring semester (we'd always request the fancy side but get stuck with the plain side). We'd all have the munchies and like clockwork, 3 am would roll around, we'd hop in the car, arrive at the diner, order chicken caesar salad and listen to the juke box on the table.

This one particular night I was really craving something sweet. I remember they had a showcase of glazed doughnuts, cakes and pies that all looked like they could be on the cover of a food magazine. My eye caught the chocolate eclair and instantly I knew I needed one. The funny thing is.. I normally hate eclairs? But it was 3 am, I wasn't sober yet and it was calling my name. I remember the excitement of the waitress bringing it over to the table and my mouth watering as I impatiently waited for everyone else's food to arrive. I knew it was going to be the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. Once the caesar salads came I closed my eyes, sunk my teeth into the glaze, and braced myself for perfection. To my horror, I chomped down on something fuzzy, opened my eyes and realized the inside of the eclair was completely covered in mold.

Oswald Chambers says it best "Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief and pain stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions." I didn't suffer any injury, grief or pain from eating the eclair that night, but there are many instances where circumstances lure us in and we DO suffer the consequences. I've had to take classes over from my first year of school because illusions of gratifying the pleasures of my flesh outweighed studying for exams or writing papers. I've had to endure deep hurt and pain when a boyfriend decided his happiness and his "needs" were more important than commitment to our relationship. Last year I remember looking in the mirror and being disgusted by what I saw, it took a lot of crying out to the Lord for me to overcome the disillusionment of what I thought my body looked like and how eating less would make me feel better. Can anyone relate? These illusions do not satisfy, they never will satisfy.

The world says freedom comes when we can say "yes" to a situation.. when the truth is that true freedom comes when we can say "no". Saying "I can't stop cheating", "I can't stop drinking", "I can't stop lusting", "I can't stop lying" means that you are a slave to those things. How free are you?

The day of Jesus' crucifixion Pilate asked Him what truth was. It is a pretty philosophical question that both philosphers and laymen alike try to answer. What is truth? I see it all over facebook too and I have no idea what it means, maybe I'm outdated, but I see people posting status' that say "Truth is.....". We are all searching for it. In our heart of hearts none of us want to believe a lie. So here it is, the same day Pilate asked that very question, Jesus was nailed to a cross, was punished for our iniquities and took the shackles off every person that would believe in Him. Truth is.. you don't have to be a slave anymore. You are liberated by Christ-but you chose to be imprisoned by yourself. If you are a believer, you have the power to overcome temptation. If you aren't, may God have mercy on you because you are straight up powerless and have no chance to resist it. You may be able to say "no" temporarily, but only through Christ can you have permanent freedom.

You have an enemy and whether you choose to believe it or not, he is out to seek and destroy your life. Wake up America! Wake up friends! It's a daily battle and some of you are getting out of bed without preparing yourself for war. Paul says we need to take up the full armor of God. Put on the breastplate of righteousness-that piece of armor protects your heart. Take up the shield of faith-if you have no faith, fiery arrows will pierce your soul, the shield also protects us from depression and loneliness and all types of hopelessness. Put in place the helmet of salvation-this will cover your mind from questioning God's love for you. And finally, take up the sword of the spirit, which is the bible. The sword is the only piece of equipment that kills- you can kill the enemies lies by simply carving off the sugar-coating of disillusionment.

You need to put this on IN FAITH every morning. I can't stress that enough. We walk around and we cannot see armor, but God can and the enemy can. When you forget a piece of equipment at home you are subjecting yourself to the temptations of satan because he can see your vulnerabilities and what you forgot to put on that day. Stand firm in faith. And after you have done this.. keep standing.

I read about a magician once.. maybe it was Houdini? Anyways, he was doing a trick in a prison and he had to get out of the cell without a key. He tried and tried for hours to pick the lock and finally agitated and frustrated at his defeat he gave up. When the prison guards came to get him out, they simply opened the door... the whole time it was unlocked! Why are some of you sitting in an open prison cell? Get up and walk and know your faith has healed you.

You can't be free on your own, and if you wish to spend the rest of your life held down by the standards of the world-the pressures of the world-the chains of the world, go ahead, but you are only deceiving yourselves. True renewal of your thoughts and your ways only comes from genuine repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. Are you free to say no?

Shut Locked Bolted

As I write this, I'm humming "Farther Along" by Josh Garrels.. it's been stuck in my head for the past few days, especially the verse "Even when I fall I get back up with the joy that overflows my cup". I've had to repeat this over and over to myself, almost as a reminder that failure is not final. If Jesus is living in you, failure can never be final. (deep sigh... just need to keep telling myself that).

It's nearing the end of October and I know Lynchburg is turning into Drenchburg (am I right LU?) The worst part about living on East campus during rainy season was trucking through the tunnel, up the hill, hauling my backpack up four flights of stairs... all to find that I left my key in my room, and no one was home to open the door. The RA's were at class. My friends were in Demoss. It was just me and my sopping wet hoody waiting for someone with a key.

Sometimes in our walk with God, He won't bring the key for a while. It's purposeful. We can be waiting hours on the steps before He lets us in. Lately I've been thinking "God, why are you allowing this to happen? Just bring the key already, I'm cold and alone standing out here. Don't you care?" Or another thought that's been going through my head has been "Geez, God, I forgot the key again? Why do I always mess up? Why am I so careless?" It's our fleshly tendency to want to rebel against the Lord when we don't understand what He is doing, or just get mad at ourselves when we fall once again. What I'm learning though, is that discipline is a blessing in disguise. Pain is a blessing in disguise. If we don't see the blessings of pain and discipline we won't handle it properly... and it could be really dangerous. Paul says "Rejoice in suffering"-when someone wrongs us or when God disciplines us. The attitude of living by the Spirit will be a heart of joy when we are hurting-living by the flesh will only harbor bitterness and resentment. God's ways are not our ways and if our sincere prayer is to walk in His ways, we need to understand it will look like complete foolishness to the outside world. When we're on the door step knocking our knuckles off, looking for the fire escape or a nearby window in a rage of anger, remember that the door is most likely locked for a reason. Stop looking for another way in and ask God for understanding in the situation.

You may also want to leave and just wait at a friend's house until the door opens. I've been learning this past week that waiting too long for man may be too short for God. We try to speed up the process, right? Like.. hello, God? Things look like they won't get any better so we decide to "help God out". We've all been there. But the thing is, God doesn't need our help. We need God's help. And unless we allow God to treat us like children, we won't become more like Him. He's patiently peeking through the blinds, waiting for us to humble ourselves. It's the flesh to think failure is a bad thing, sometimes it's the best thing. And when you're going through hard times, go to God, not your friends. Their just fallen sinners like the rest of us. God is so worthy of your trust. That's a huge lesson I've been learning. 2 Samuel 24:14 says "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men". He knows what we need exactly when we need it, and He's the only one who will leave you fully satisfied.

And God is a promise-fulfilling God. He tells Abram in Genesis 15 "Do not be afraid, Abram, I am your shield, your very great reward". He doesn't say I am your shield AND your very great reward. The Lord is shielding us-the Lord is protecting us-the Lord is guiding us.. and that IS our very great reward! God is a giver not a taker. He doesn't want to steal your life, He wants to give it to you. He is merciful and beautiful and loving and wants the absolute best for His children. So don't try to pry open the door if it is bolted shut. Allow God to deal with you, the way He knows you will learn best, He could very well be shielding you from your own demise. Don't grow bitter towards Him not answering your knock right away. There is a purpose, there always is a purpose. Grow to have a grateful heart and thank him for the promises He will fulfill in your life when He is ready to give you the key.

Please keep praying for me. I've never felt such warfare as I've been feeling lately. I was sick for about a week with really bad stomach problems that left me weak and bedridden for a few days, all during finals week of my classes. I've also been placed in a leadership position, taking care of my ministry friends from Germany, Singapore, Canada and USA (The Lord knows, and many of you that I am NOT a natural born leader). It's really difficult for me taking care of the needs of seven people, finishing my degree, doing administration work for the ministry and coming up with creative ideas to teach my third graders multiplication during study hour. I've felt really defeated lately.. like a failure when I mess up.. and helpless when I walk away from study hour thinking my kids still don't understand math. It's a huge lie, but it's very difficult nonetheless. The Lord is doing big things here though, and I wouldn't trade all the hardships for the world. I think about the comfort of being in my warm bed in the US at times, waking up to a real shower and Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning. I think about what the fall looks like and smells like and the excitement of Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner. But all of that will fade away, it won't last. The work the Lord has given me to do in India is eternal and I need to write it on my heart every day to remind myself of why I am here. I join with Paul in saying "We are not known, but we are well known. We seem to be dying, but we continue to live. We are punished, but we are not killed. We have much sadness, but we are always rejoicing. We are poor, but we are making many people rich in faith. We have nothing, but really we have everything."2 Corinthians 6:9-10 .

A little look at India (my friend Mirjam Klinge took most of the photo's you'll see in the video)

Is This Real Life?!

God. Is. Crazy.
I would never have guessed I would be back in India so soon! The Lord moves and works in my life like an on-looker watching a potter mold a piece of clay; my life may look like clumps of mud, the outsider may even question the Potter's abilities... but the Lord knows it's not until I have been refined in the furnace will my faith and my purpose be enhanced. "My rarest and choicest jewels and my finest gold are those who have been refined in the furnace of Egypt" -Isaiah 54:11.
So here I am, being put through the fire, and it's getting pretty heated. I had asked the Lord to show me humility- and it's been humiliating (if you pray that prayer, don't expect anything less), I had asked for his plans for my future-and they seem impossible (God never asks us to do things we are fully capable of doing on our own).. I thought maybe there could be a shortcut, you know? But the Lord doesn't believe in shortcuts, unfortunately.
But His plans and His purposes come with perfect timing, Habakkuk 2:3 says " For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay". Did you hear that! It won't delay.. which means God's vision and purpose for our lives is right on time. Yesupadam accurately said the other night, "Waiting is not wasting". Don't ever think you are wasting your time when you wait on Him.
Other than that, there were Hindu festivals last week, they built the biggest statue of one of the gods in the center of the city, it actually is going in genesis book of world records..but the day they were going to take it down, it completely collapsed, landing on it's knees. Every knee will bow before the Almighty, True, Powerful God one day. "Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak...But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him". In India, idols are so easy to spot, people are visibly bowing down and worshiping wood, silver and gold. The United States is so much more insidious. Our idols come in the form of our work, money, computers, and other human beings..just to name a few. Be careful what you are giving your life to.
It's so good to be back with the kids, I actually prayed the other night with a twelve year old. If you ever get the chance to pray with a child, do it. It is so powerful, their prayers are so pure. We just confessed our sins together and lifted up songs of praise to Jesus. It was such a good time.
I'm jealous that you are all experiencing the fall right now.. eat a slice of pumpkin pie for me, and Tay, drink some Chai tea latte from Starbucks for me as well. Missing you all, love you so much, Mackenzie

A Fragrance Offering

Jesus,
Now... even now will You please guide my life for Your Glory and for Your Greatness. Thank you for the desires you have placed in my heart, thank you for holding my hand- I feel it entwined in mine and I know I am safe even in the most dangerous, darkest places. Move Holy Spirit. Where You go I will follow, Lord I am on my knees begging for more grace and strength and boldness. Thank you for tears of truth tonight, You are good, God, even though I get lost in the meaningless american pursuit, You so lovingly bring me back to where You want me. I am Your servant, send me. I am ready. Make my paths straight and your direction clear. Be exalted, Oh Lord. You are pure and beautiful. I will praise You forever and sing of Your goodness. My heart melts like wax in Your presence, I can't compose my thanksgiving; my soul jerks and twists in overwhelming joy as I hear Your voice. Please God, let Your will be done in my life.
In Jesus' name, Amen.